Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
