Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
