i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
