Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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