I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
