im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
