you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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