i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
should my penis look like a turkey
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
