You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
