Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
