This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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