You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
