from now on my penis is your penis
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
