I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
