i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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