I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
