After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize