Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
