I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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