I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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