I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
