In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
