I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize