i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
