those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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