Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
