Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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