I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
