dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
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I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize