I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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