woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
