just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
