So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
