you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
