U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
