I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
