My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
