I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
