I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
