There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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