White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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