so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
