So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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