i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
