I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Either my boss has an enormous dick or heβs hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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