he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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