Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
