You're my little dorito
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize