that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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