First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
