Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
