i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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