I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
