Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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