even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
