as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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