You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
