I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
