Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
